This might not be something you need to read, but it’s something I need to share. I’ve spoken very little about our miscarriage from this past January. In all honesty, it’s because for a long while, I was just too happy to go back to a place of grief and lament. After being in the hospital for five days, receiving five units of blood, and living in fear that we would lose our baby, or worse have to choose between my life and theirs, we were relieved to come home.
We were not relieved that our baby was gone, but for me to be safe? Absolutely. We were ready to move forward and look towards the hope of adoption which was already rooted in our hearts. I didn’t want to talk about our loss then. I felt more like a woman to be pitied, something I desperately wanted to avoid.
Months later though, it’s time to grieve and heal from the trauma. This loss was traumatic in much different ways than the loss of our daughter Helen. We only carried this baby for 8 weeks, but for one whole week, I bled profusely- enough to put me in the hospital due to significant blood loss. I’m hesitant to say that I was near death, because in this day and age, with our medical technology, I wasn’t. I never felt that death was near, but I knew that I couldn’t go on bleeding like this for 32 more weeks. Had it been 1920 or even 1980, I probably wouldn’t be here.
The entirety of the story is graphic and personal, something that makes these experiences even more difficult to talk about, especially in such public places. I might not be able to share it all, but this baby’s life is worth sharing. This trauma I experienced, needs to be shared, for me and for others. A 10 cm subchorionic hemorrhage that requires five blood transfusions is not common, one doctor called it “impressive.” But bleeding heavily, in pain and fear, while losing your baby in the silence of your own body, that is common. Struggling to talk about what you endured and the complexity of your feelings, that is common too. Miscarriage by its very nature, is traumatic and too many of us are bound together in a sisterhood because of it. Yet many of us don’t know how to share our experiences.
How about I start?
I had the opportunity to create some journal prompts for grieving moms this Mother’s Day and found myself writing my very own pieces of poetry. I hadn’t written about our youngest or my experiences in losing them. I didn’t know how much I needed to.
I pray it blesses you. May you feel less alone. May it help you better understand a loved one.
I am Baby 3’s Mom
I saw a positive pregnancy test
And your tiny little body
I saw your heartbeat everyday for a week
And I saw it stopped.
I felt the familiar “fuzziness” of pregnancy
And the discomfort in my clothes.
I felt gushes of blood, again
And again, and again.
I worried if you were going to be ok,
About how long you would hang on.
I worried about carrying you for 32 more weeks
About how we would make it that long.
I hoped that you would be a boy
fun , silly, determined, and strong.
I hoped you’d look like your dad
And have his stability, strength, and humor.
I carried you for 8 weeks.
We went to Christmas parties
And your grandparents’ homes.
Together we fought for your life,
And rested in the refuge of the Most High.
I held you in my mind always
And thought of you constantly.
I held you close to my heart;
And never let you go.
I cried when I saw those two pink lines
And when I called the doctor for the first time.
I cried when the bleeding started
And when it kept coming and coming.
I cried when I was weak, tired, and scared;
And when they told me you were gone.
I long to know who you are
And what you are like.
I long to feel you moving in my belly
And hold you in my arms.
I long to see your sister dote over you
And fuss as you “disrupt” her little world.
I will remember you forever;
Your precious little life.
I will remember your strength
And the protection of the Lord.
I will remember His feather’s surrounding you
And His hand holding mine.
I will remember you as a gift, because that is what you are.
To write your own poem, you can access the “form poem” at The Joyful Morning. Scroll down to ” Journal Prompts” to download the free printable.